This is the story of a man and his carrots. No, wait. This is the story of a man and the hooker he picked up to take care of an orphaned baby. Hmm, getting closer. This is the story of a man who shoots things... A LOT. Yep, that about sums up the plot of this SSStylish action movie parody. Did I mention SSStylish? Why yes, I did. Clive Owen's character may as well be played by Devil May Cry's Dante himself! His creative gunplay ranges from sliding across oil-slick floors, to spinning a carousel with bullets, to falling down a stairwell, to gun puppeteering, to the climactic aerial battle at the end. By god, this man doesn't even need a gun, he can shoot bullets with his BARE HANDS!! This wild ride of a movie truly has to be seen to be believed. The only thing it's missing is bladed weapons... but I suppose the carrots will have to do.
For being advertised as a showdown between Jet Li and Jason Statham, this movie is highly misleading. There's plenty of generic action to go around, though, and it kept me content throughout the duration of the film... UNTIL THE END. The ending deserves an award for the most retarded plot twist EVER!! See, Rogue is a double agent who plays the Yakuza and the Triads against each other until there is all-out war on the streets. Instead of exploring the complexities of Rogue's motivations as a character (as much as you can expect from an action flick at least), you get this unnecessary revelation that expects you to believe that a sidekick can achieve martial arts godhood in a total of three years. And that's just the half of it! But anyway, the movie is watchable if you ignore the last 10 minutes or so.
I have actually read Stardust, but long enough ago that it was somewhat hazy in my mind. Still, I could tell there were many changes made. Yvaine was more likeable, more time was spent with the pirates, and there was no lion to fight the unicorn. But the biggest change of all was the ending, which brought together at least four different plotlines into an explosive, action-packed climax! I enjoyed this change a lot because it made the story much more epic in scale. It also gave Septimus something to do, which was nice, because he was my favorite character in the movie - lethal, with a morbid sense of humor. There is also much to be said for Robert De Niro as the flaming queen of a pirate. Although I didn't like him as much as Septimus, he was definitely the most memorable. This movie has it all: comedy, action, adventure, romance
Behold the awesome power of our closest star! Feast your eyes on blinding solar vistas and hardcore sunburn! Earth's sun is dying and a team is sent to jump start it with a bomb designed to birth a new star within its core... and they actually expect to come out of it alive. Odd, considering they are actually the second team to be sent on this mission... the first having mysteriously disappeared. Hmmm... You'd be amazed at how quickly a perfectly sane crew can deteriorate. My focus in this movie was most definitely Cillian Murphy. Yes, I know he's creepy-lookin' but there is something about him that I always liked. He has very expressive eyes and his hair was particularly nice here. Cillian plays a skiddish physicist named Capa who is thrust way out of his comfort zone... particularly towards the end of the movie when he's getting chased by a naked guy with a knife. And it is then, as the ship is running out of air and he is tripping over himself running to activate the bomb while nursing a gaping slash to his torso, that he really shines. He's like a lost puppy I'd want to cuddle and protect. Awww. >^.^< But seriously, manually piloting a bomb into the sun to save your solar system is like one of the coolest ways to die EVER!!
I remember when The Simpsons used to be funny. I must admit I haven't watched it in a long, long time but damnit, when I did, it was FUNNY! It had its moments, but they were few and far between, and I barely cracked a smile through most of it. The one time I truly laughed was when the shit hit the fan so everyone from the church ran to the bar and everyone from the bar ran to the church. That was funny!! =D The rest was a sloppy mish-mash of popular cameos, awkward familial reconciliation, and a garbled environmental message. The latter was probably the most insulting and made no sense whatsoever. I try to be fair and remember that The Simpsons has a huge cast of characters, so tying them all together in the same plot is quite a challenge, but considering how long it took them to come out with a movie I say they could've done a lot better. There's only so far you can go by leeching off past successes.
NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY
It takes talent to
piss off both the straight and gay population at the same
time! (not to mention Asians) Here I was expecting
This version stays truer to the Broadway musical than its predecessor. It is full of bright colors, song, and dance. Aside from the bright colors, these are all things that normally turn me off to a movie... but I guess some things still manage to surprise me. Hairspray is the story of a voluptuous teenage girl with a penchant for big hair and a passion for life who isn't afraid of being herself. She is big, but her dreams are bigger, and she seeks to share them with all the world - and to make it her mission in life to help everyone do the same. As someone living in times of flowering diversity, she channels her energy into a crusade for openness and tolerance. This is a warm-hearted comedy-musical that will touch you no matter who you are, because it embraces all. My favorite character is perhaps the mother, lovingly played by John Travolta... he pulled it off beautifully!
There is something wrong in a country when doctors get paid bonuses for turning away patients and health insurance is denied to those that need it most. There is something wrong with the health care system when making money takes precedence over saving lives. In his most powerful film yet, Michael Moore takes us on a harrowing journey into the lives of those whom the system has failed, warning that one day we could find ourselves in their shoes. The United States is the richest, most powerful nation in the world yet is the only country in the industrialized world besides South Africa that does not provide health care for all of its citizens, and Michael shows us the countries that are doing better... a lot better... infuriatingly, shockingly, absurdly better!! Now, one thing he does not say, is that these countries aren't perfect, not by a longshot... but that's not the point. The point is to get people thinking, questioning, and researching for themselves, and that's one thing Michael does exceedingly well. The simple question we have to ask ourselves is this: "if we can spend so much money on killing people, why can't we spend money on saving people?"
POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
While on the surface this installment of Harry Potter is about an angst-ridden teen on the verge of a nervous breakdown, its socio-political message goes deeper than that. It attacks the nanny state mentality that seeks to protect children from life itself. An agent of the Ministry of Magic takes over Hogwarts with all the self-righteousness and cruelty of a medieval Inquisitor. She changes the curriculum to one of conceptual study instead of practical application, yielding graduates who lack both skills and experience relevant to the real world. When Harry points out the inherent danger in leaving students defenseless against attack, he is told that there is nothing to fear. Yet it is irrational fear that produces the nanny state in the first place, and keeps it in denial when a true threat appears. For while the school is left vulnerable, Voldemort is back, and wiser wizards are already drawing sides. Harry does not take things sitting down. He holds secret classes to teach his colleagues how to protect themselves, culminating in an explosive showdown between Voldemort's Death Eaters and Dumbledore's Order of the Phoenix that will change his world forever.
Ahh love... So sweet, so bland, so boring. If only there was some kind of crash course that allowed hopeful couples to take a real trip through marital Hell. Now thanks to Reverand Frank, there is! Screaming babies, tension with the in-laws, sexual depravation, lack of trust and failed expectations - it's all here! The idea here is that if you can't make it through the course, you shouldn't be getting married. This is something Sadie and Ben had to learn the hard way as they watched their perfect relationship fall apart before their very eyes. I watched this movie for Jim from The Office, and he was nice. I also watched it for Robin Williams, and he was nice too. The movie itself? Not so nice. I barely cracked a smile throughout the whole thing. The ending almost makes up for it but the whole thing was so formulaic that you don't really care.
Now, I have never watched the Transformers cartoon. This is largely due to the fact that I hate robots and mecha in general. So the fact that I truly and completely enjoyed this movie is a testament in itself! Yes, it's directed by Michael Bay, get over it. Yes, the side characters are more of an afterthought that never amounts to anything, but that doesn't matter. It's all about Bumblebee, "Bee-otch"!! He's a sweet, sensitive, stylish Chevrolet Camaro with a great sense of humor that happens to turn into a giant, alien robot... or was it the other way around? :-P Anyway, if he was my car, I would ride him all night long!! *_* And most importantly, IF THOSE @#$% FEDS LAY ANOTHER #$^@ HAND ON HIM I WILL CRUSH THEM LIKE INSECTS!!! I LOVE YOU BUMBLEBEE!! CALL ME!!! *ahem* Besides that, there's the whole business between Optimus Prime and Megatron... and something about a mystical cube that sparks life in everything it touches. Whatever. Bumblebee has it all under control.
Talk about Groundhog's Day from Hell. So Mike is an author who writes about his experiences in various haunted places, until one day he stumbles onto more than he bargained for: room 1408 at the Dolphin Hotel in New York City. Legend has it nobody has survived more than an hour in that room and the hotel manager has the police records to prove it. This does not deter, Mike. No, it emboldens him! He checks into the room and is ready to check out after the first mishap: his hand got crushed against the windowsill. Too late, though. The countdown has started and he must survive an hour of spooky holograms, moving paintings, freezing temperatures, and psychological terrors from his own past. He tries to leave, but finds that he is trapped in some pocket reality removed from the outside world. Oh what to do, what to do... The movie has its moments, but mostly you find yourself looking at the clock hoping something truly exciting will happen as the hour draws to a close.
Remy loves to read, watch cooking shows, and be creative. Cooking to him is a glorious art form that he fearlessly pursues despite lightning storms, health inspectors, and spiteful critics. There's just one problem: Remy is a rat. The small, furry kind. Linguini, on the other hand, has no talent whatsoever and currently works as a garbage boy for a restaurant. But he does have one important advantage: he is human. The shy, clumsy kind, but human nonetheless. A string of unfortunate accidents makes them cross paths, and when Remy discovers that he could control Linguini like a puppet via his hair, there blooms a beautiful partnership that puts their restaurant back into the Paris spotlight. It's not all smooth sailing from there, though. Soon enough their dreams are rocked by new love interests, jealous Chefs, bitter food critics, routine health inspectors, and even Remy's own rat colony. Can the force of their friendship overcome their differences and triumph against all odds? This isn't your average cooking movie... if there was, indeed, a "cooking movie" genre. It's funny, and sweet, and makes you feel all happy inside.
FREE OR DIE HARD
Wow, this movie blows just about any action movie out of the water!... and land... and air... and, umm, elevator shafts... it just BLOWS $#!+ UP, OK?? Lots of it!! And it just keeps going and doesn't stop, and yeah there's bullets flying everywhere and McClane never gets hit, but you don't care!! You know why?? Because it @#$% KICKS ASS!!! A group of hackers take over every computer-run system in the USA - social security, traffic lights, the stock market, satellites, even basic utilities. This is something called a "Fire Sale," and they're willing to restore it back to the government - for a price! If that wasn't bad enough, they made things personal by holding McClane's daughter hostage, and he will destroy everything and everyone in his path to save her. His only partner is Farrell, a hapless computer nerd who unwittingly designed the program that is now wreaking havoc on the country. Can McClane reach his daughter in time? Can Farrell prove himself useful as anything other than a bullet magnet?? Will Kevin Smith have to save them all?!? The answer is---*computer blows up*
You might remember Evan as the rambling weatherman in Bruce Almighty, but he has since been elected to Congress and moved his family to a freshly razed portion of the Appalachian wilderness. He drives a fuel-guzzling Hummer, his kitchen cabinets are made from endangered rainforest trees, and he is about to put his name on a bill that would promote further environmental devastation! But after Evan prays fro help in changing the world, he gets more than he bargained for. He finds doves, eagles, deer, even wolves following him around - in pairs. Tools and stacks of wood keep arriving at his house, and his alarm clock always goes off at 6:14 - Genesis 6:14. That's right, the command to build an Ark. You see, God has his own plans for Evan, and he will go to any lengths to make Evan pay attention. Soon enough Evan finds himself suspended from office and estranged from his family, with nothing left to do but to build his Ark with the help of a growing number of paired animals that have taken over his property. But will the flood ever come? This movie is not as funny as it should've been, but its message of faith, family, and conservation makes up for it, and the ensuing climax is well worth it.
4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
Elastic Man and Invisible Woman want to get married very badly, but the Earth is once again in grave peril! Giant craters are appearing all over the world following a storm of ice and electromagnetic flux. They decide to go on with the wedding anyway, and their timing couldn't be worse. The mysterious force behind the destruction crashes their wedding, and while the bride and groom try to contain the ensuing chaos, the Human Torch speeds after the culprit. Turns out it's some alien with silver skin riding a silver board... hence Silver Surfer. But this surfer isn't here just to ride some electromagnetic waves. He is preparing the planet for annihilation for his boss, the ominously titled Devourer of Worlds! O.o;; The Human Torch's encounter with the Silver Surfer also grants him the ability to swap powers with anyone he touches - this was problematic at first, but proved to be a huge asset in the final battle. A big plot hole I see here, however, is that somehow the villain was not affected by the Human Torch's power swap ability even though they come into close combat... err, contact. But oh well, the Human Torch is my favorite out of the four, so I'm not going to complain about any screentime he gets. ^_^
When Willie Bank's betrayal of a business deal proves nearly fatal for one of their friends, Ocean's team decides to get revenge. Willie Bank intends to open the newest, biggest, hottest hotel-casino on the Las Vegas strip, and Ocean plots to take away everything that is dear to him, including his profit, his critical acclaim, and all the precious diamonds he had won for his previous successes. As per usual, the plot involves an intricate cohesion of disguises, technical gadgetry, and backstage infiltration. The difference this time around? No females. The only female character with a name works for the other team, and ends up getting seduced by Matt Damon. Ocean's 13 makes much better used of its fun cast of characters and quirky humor than Ocean's 12 did, and it's certainly not a bad way to pass the time.
OF THE CARIBBEAN: At World's End
Do not even attempt to see this movie without watching the second one. You will be more lost than a peanut in Jack Sparrow's hair. When we last left off, Jack Sparrow was dead. But people seldom stay dead in the Pirates movies, hehehe. His "friends" sail to Davy Jones' Locker to find him and bring him back, each for their own reasons. And speaking of Jack Sparrow, anyone who thinks there is no method to his madness will be proven wrong by this movie. There are so many converging plots in the storyline! Superficially everything may seem to flow in a straightforward fashion, but those that pay attention will appreciate the subtle twists and turns. It is also a much darker tale than the previous two. Violence abounds and people die, a LOT... children die, elderly die, MAIN people DIE!! I would put it on par with the first movie, although in completely different ways. This one shamelessly focuses on action and eye-popping visuals such as gigantic waterfalls, gigantic whirlpools, gigantic women, gigantic... well, you get the idea. Worth seeing again... and again... and again... etc. They really should've done more with the sea goddess, though.
Don has watched his parents die, abandoned his wife in a room full of zombies, and let his friend get dragged by them underwater. After he speeds away from the Rage-virus infected horde on his motor boat, he leaves those horrible memories behind and helps rebuild England as it is systematically repopulated ever since the last infected human starved. What he doesn't count on... is immunity. Yes, his wife survived, but in every drop of her blood and saliva is the plague that wiped out a whole nation. Needless to say, there is another outbreak, and this time their children are caught in the middle of the chaos. US militia stationed there to aid the new arrivals lose control of the situation and start killing all in sight in a desperate attempt to contain the disease. This is a very worthy sequel, delving into the mindset of panic and war. When the military turns against the very people they were there to protect, they are blinded by protocol, and risk destroying the only hope for a cure - for the children of Don and his wife may also be immune.
This was the most complicated of the Spidermans thus far, with at least four different plotlines running simultaneously, weaving in and out of each other as Mary Jane gets jerked around between villains in their attempts to get at Peter Parker. Yes, villainS... plural... there's like three of them! It all ties together quite nicely at the end. The fight scenes were the best I've seen out of the Spidermans (or much elsewhere, for that matter) - intense, gravity-defying, and beautifully choreographed. I particularly love the one in the beginning of Peter versus his old friend Harry. Harry appears a lot, by the way, and goes through so much character development that I think the movie was about him more than anybody else. Sure Peter goes through his emo/asshole phase thanks to Venom, but that's nothing compared to Harry's personality swings. When Harry's mean, he's truly wicked, and when Harry is nice, he is so sweet and innocent it makes me want to cuddle him! *le sigh* Love Harry, love the movie.
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